Why dismissing abuse as a ‘little fight’ isn’t just wrong – it’s deadly
By Shamecca Brown-Granite State News Collaborative
I know this took place at the beginning of September, but I had to take a couple of deep breaths and really reflect before writing this piece. I am a survivor. I was a victim. And now I am an advocate. And I’m here for all people who have been through domestic violence, no matter their gender, the color of their skin, or their age.
On Sept. 8, Donald Trump, speaking at the Museum of the Bible in Washington, said, while defending his claim that because he sent troops to the capital, that crime was “down 87%” there and that it would be even lower if not for “things that take place in the home they call crime.”
He added: “They’ll do anything they can to find something. If a man has a little fight with the wife, they say ‘this was a crime.’”
When I heard these words, I felt anger, sadness and disbelief all at once. I had to pause, breathe and reflect before writing, because these comments don’t just miss the point – they erase the lived experiences of millions of people. Domestic violence is not “a little fight with the wife.” It is not a minor squabble. It is abuse, it is trauma, and for too many, it is deadly.
Why I’m speaking out
I never even realized I was a victim at first. Like many survivors, I normalized the behavior, told myself it was just a bad argument, or that I had provoked it. I said to myself, “Oh, it’s not that bad.” I even said, “I fought back.” But then I would look in the mirror at my fat lip, my blue and black eye, and my bruised arms. For me, I convinced myself it was somehow protection, twisted into love.
But domestic violence is never love. And it’s never protection. You see, it still hurts, to hear, to see and to go through these things with people I’m helping. Yes, I said people. Because domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. I work with men, women, teens, LGBTQ survivors, immigrants – all walks of life. And every time I sit with someone, I see my story reflected back at me.
I’m glad I had training to help, but more than anything, I’ve lived it. And that’s why I speak out. Because I know it isn’t easy to leave. Not the first time, not the second, not even the fifth. Sometimes you’re just trying to make it out alive. I’ve seen too much. I’ve answered hospital calls. I’ve hidden victims. I’ve watched the trauma crack open inside people who just want peace. And the truth? The trauma cracks open inside me too, because it brings back memories of what I survived.
Yet, while survivors fight for their lives, some abusers walk free. Some stalk. Some kill. Some make bail and never spend a day behind bars. And still, Trump stood there and said this isn’t really a crime. That’s not just careless – it’s cruel.
For every survivor who still questions their worth, for every child who thinks violence is normal, for every life lost to abuse, we must stand up, speak the truth and demand better. Domestic violence is not a “little fight.” It is not lesser. It is not optional to count. It is real, it is devastating, and it deserves every ounce of our attention.
Shamecca Brown is a New Hampshire–based columnist who is family-oriented and passionate about serving underserved communities. Her advocacy extends to a range of social issues, with a strong commitment to supporting survivors of domestic and sexual violence. These articles are being shared by partners in the Granite State News Collaborative. For more information, visit collaborativenh.org.